MakanMayit intrigues the curious, but frightens the unaware


[image from “Uzumaki”, by horror manga mastermind Junji Ito] 

Widespread backlash towards a subversive art performance by Indonesia’s premier dark art practitioner Natasha Gabriella Tontey shows the general public’s lack of depth in understanding the true meaning of art.

To ban and censor artwork is to deny discussion around the art itself.

Natasha Gabriella Tontey’s MakanMayit art piece embodies the very meaning and purpose of art itself: that it is also a medium to disturb other than to please. It proves to be “too disturbing” for the Indonesian public, because the general public has been mostly raised with the idea that art is one-sidedly beautiful.

Now I am not saying that everyone should like the MakanMayit performance. Taste is subjective and nobody should be forced to like art. The main problem of the backlash is the response by those online who stumbled upon uploaded and shared images of the piece and immediately concluded that Tontey was a sick woman for her art, or the ones that said Indonesia is simply not ready for this kind of art and will therefore never understand its context.

If that’s the case, then when will we be ready?

Art itself does not demand anything of the viewer. If anything, artists are merely asking for an understanding of how they are through their works. Artists aren’t even demanding the public understand their work, so long as the public recognizes the context on why it was made.

In Indonesian general society, art itself is rarely discussed in its whole form. The stereotypes of art are taught but its depth and meaning is never explored. Without exploration, art can never be understood, nor will its capabilities to make us understand ourselves or the world around us.

Discussion is what fuels the growth of creativity, and by refusing to do so, Indonesia will never be ready to accept what is outside their comfort zone. Tontey earned the appreciation and understanding of her artistic peers because they are used to working in that field, but did not earn the appreciation of a confused public that was raised on the notion that art’s purpose is simply to comfort and entertain. It was harder for her to gain the appreciation of the general public, but her aim was never to win public approval anyway.
The idea of the piece was to explore the primal psychology of the human being through the notion of cannibalism, which has been proven to exist in the human psyche because cannibalism DOES happen, no matter how gruesome or how rare these occurrences are.

One can look at figures such as Japan’s Issei Sagawa, Germany’s Armin Meiwes or even Central African dictator Jean Bedel Bokassa as acting proof that the human desire for human flesh is real. The eating of infants is an extremely rare (if any) level of cannibalism that a human being can practice, but within the psyche, it is indeed possible for a human being to do and nobody can’t deny that. Possible doesn’t mean that everyone chooses to do so, because for many, the act does not speak to their common sense.

A similar situation to what Tontey is facing happened to Chinese contemporary artist Zhu Yu seventeen years ago. Yu’s art primarily deals with the human body and encourages the use of actual human body parts as part of his work. In 2000, he photographed a performance called “Eating People”, where he was depicted cooking and eating a human fetus. The fetuses themselves were later debunked as fake, but it stirred an emotional reaction in China similar to how the Indonesian public and government reacted to Tontey’s art. Zhu was then labelled an official menace to society by the uppity Chinese government who later banned art exhibitions involving things such as culture, corpses, and sexuality.

A sensitive public disturbed by this link to reality will obviously outrage, because they do not understand, or choose not to understand. You can’t blame them though, they were never taught to understand. In Indonesia, no medium exists that discusses art in its purest form and education in its universities are usually too safe or (in the case of public schools), non-existent.

The general consensus here is that art is still seen mainly as happy commodities for sale, for entertainment’s sake, which is also the prevalent attitude seen in creative industries such as music and film. Pure entertainment does not help advance society nor does it challenge them to innovate.

Regarding the offensive aspect of MakanMayit, it makes more sense if apologies were offered to those who have experienced the trauma of stillborn birth. Trauma is not easy to shake and some may not be able to overcome that trauma enough to be faced with artworks that are so subversive. However, apologies should not be given to those who simply cry moral outrage.

Because in essence, morality is an individual setting shaped by one’s own environment and prejudices, and is part of common sense. Common sense is also the ability to recognize art as art, without the need to drag people’s personal beliefs onto it. If one does not like what they’re seeing, they can simply look away.

Common sense is made up of criticality and reasoning, and without common sense, there is no morality.


The World as Humans


[screengrab from Masaaki Nakayama’s “Fuan no Tane Plus”]

The World as Humans.

  1. Mecca is a beautiful child prodigy that has to endure the beatings of her abusive father, Saudi Arabia. Decades of abuse have reduced Mecca to a fragile and misshapen state. She is forced to prostitute herself in the shallow gold that her father lavishes upon her to her father’s similarly abusive friends.Only few see her as the majesty that she is.
  2. Mecca has a friend, and his name is Indonesia. Indonesia is like that kid that gets invited to the coolest of parties mainly because his name is well-known. Everybody has heard about him and all his great talents and potentials, but nobody really knows who he is (or how he looks like).Indonesia is that shy kid at the party who is unable to contribute anything to large conversations, but when he does, his shyness recedes and he will mainly talk about himself.  In other words, he is a boy that looks at the world mainly from his point of view and sometimes refuses to see the world from the eyes of others.

    Mecca and Indonesia are good friends, as Mecca’s beauty and talents are recognized by Indonesia. But silently, Indonesia admires her father’s wealth and the way he does things, seeing it as a sign of a very “spirited” man, and secretly wishes to become like Mecca’s father.

  3. The United States is the most popular person in school. Everyone looks up to her merits but also cannot ignore her annoyances due to her loud nature. She is the leader of a trio of popular Anglophone countries (along with the UK and Australia), whom everyone aspires to be friends with. She is the status quo.
    Her left-hand girl, Australia, aspires to become the United States more than anything else, or at least be their BFF for life. Whatever the United States says and does, Australia will likely follow and rarely criticise.

It is only recently that Australia has began to question her place in the United States’ life as she begins to voice her disagreement to her hero’s increasingly bitchy behaviour to her.

  • China and Singapore are brothers from the same family that has way too much money. China is the spoiled elder brother while Singapore is the hard-working adopted younger brother who overcame adversity in the hands of his birth parents, Malaysia.Their family is very powerful. China utilizes these family connections heavily for his gain while Singapore uses the connections necessarily. In personality, however, both are uptight and ruthless in behaviour, both are extremely book-smart but only slightly street-smart. China is a rich jock who likes to party and Singapore is the quiet nerd: one becomes too loud and noticeable to ignore and the other one is a wallflower, but is more likeable among his peers.

    Both grow up and become rich and successful, and both do so with their hard work. Singapore’s high-school bullies now kiss his ass and China has become the richest guy in town. Everyone wants a piece of them. But not all is well in their lives.

    China grew up to become a very abusive father, and openly hits his children in public. Singapore never hits his children, but abuses them silently by berating and putting extreme pressure on them behind closed doors. Countries have called out their abusive tendencies, but neither one listens. For countries who have depended themselves on the potential of the brothers’ investments into their lives, they cannot do anything either.

  • China has several children, one of which is Hong Kong. Hong Kong wishes not to become like his father. In the end, Hong Kong succeeds in its independent life and success, but can’t help give in to his father’s whims simply because China is Hong Kong’s legal guardian for life. Essentially trapped under the grip of his father, he still manages to build a good life and become a person different from his father.Another child of China is Taiwan. Taiwan has always been different from her father, as she refuses to follow in her father’s ideologies and questions them openly to him. She is the only child that has successfully broken away from her father (but still maintains a good relationship with her siblings).
    Because of her perceived insolence, China has refused to acknowledge Taiwan as an independent adult, nor would he even recognize her successes, because of her desire to completely break away from China’s guardianship. She is cut off from the family money, but manages to build a rich life anyway. Her father wont even recognize her existence anymore, which from the beginning was always an issue because she was the accidental child born from China’s first wife, Kuomintang, whom China very much despises. Much of that hatred was exacerbated by China’s wife, CCP, who influenced the impressionable China during the most vulnerable years of his divorce.

    So deep of his hatred toward his only daughter that he even threatens other countries to not be friends with her. Many listen, but many also extend a thin hand to her plight.

  • Damascus is probably the world’s oldest man, but he was in good shape for several years until one of his grandsons took over the family estate and wreaked havoc into his life. His great-grandson Syria X has taken control of the Syria estate after his father’s sudden death, but is very reckless as he likes to pick fights with his family members, abuse his children and cause trouble for his neighbours. One day, as he was beating his children, other countries saw his act and started calling him out too. A few countries even began to beat him up. This made him resentful to the world and the abuses continue.As the grand elder of the family, Syria X maintains a sliver of respect for Damascus, but the old man gets caught in his great-grandson’s web of trouble nonetheless. He has become fatigued from the fallout, disappointed at the state of his family and now is rotting away in his old age, quietly.



Even though the year has dressed itself in radiant colours
A touch of grey and the deepest of black still pops up from time to time,
Like a stain that can’t be washed out
but it slowly blends as one with the rest.

You can wash it many times,
the stain will fade but it’ll still stay.
What can you do?
Wear it.

Wear it cos it no longer ruins your dress
Wear it because it has become the dress.

After all, it’s also colour.

There never was a time when somebody was not in your mind. 

You would become devastated if they were to vanish, and you would be paralyzed if they did so by accident.

Holding on to great feelings, desires attached, panic upon what could happen. Diluting the purity, generating a voice which will fill the void.

And yet, even without expectation, theyre still there. And they will always be there as long as you dont think about it. That is how forever is created, and how eternity exists.

Why Bernie Sanders needs to be more like Vegeta and less like Kaiba


Every hero needs their foil. One person that would serve as the balance between the hero’s own strengths and their weaknesses. Most of the time, that role would be relegated to the sidekick or the “best friend”, yknow, the character that would always be number two in that circle. In other cases, that role would fall to the villain, especially to villains who in the end shifts to the hero’s side and become their rival.

There is a politics to this paradigm, and whether it be in situations where you save the world or win elections, politics continue to exist: the loser would never achieve the status of the victor, and they can either accept their defeats gracefully or begrudgingly.

In the anime world, there are many examples. Ash Ketchum had Gary Oak (though I cant understand why Ash, the main hero, is weak as fuck), Naruto has Sasuke, Yugi Moto has Seto Kaiba and Goku has Vegeta. The latter two examples have been the most frequently touted as “similar”, and it isn’t strange that people would come to that conclusion.

In the Yu-Gi-Oh! series, Yugi Moto and Seto Kaiba have been perpetual enemies (even if Yugi doesn’t seem to want to feud with Kaiba), dueling their precious cards and unify only to defeat larger rivals, whether they be Malik Ishtar or Pegasus J. Crawford.

Dragon Ball’s Goku and Vegeta are probably animation’s most powerful rivalry, with the two Saiyans constantly battling it out to outdo each other, unifying frequently when there is a larger threat looming.

The intensities of both rivalries are almost the same, but the factor that differentiates both cases is the attitude of the loser.

I cannot place Seto Kaiba on par with Vegeta, despite their similarities: both coming from families of power and wealth, and both are haunted by a person who they know they cannot surpass. There seems to be a difference in maturity despite the massive egos that they both hold. While Vegeta would begrudgingly take every defeat in stride as a result his regal and entitled personality, Kaiba would sulk his ass deep into himself in a way that he does not want to face it. When hope is lost on him, he does not acknowledge his loss and instead tries to create new situations and conditions in order for him to retake the top position every time.

The Battle City card tournament was an example of this as he cannot shake the fact that Yugi defeated him (or saved his life) during Pegasus’s Duelist Kingdom tournament. After Duelist Kingdom, Kaiba held the Battle City dueling tournament with the intention of solely making himself retake the status of no. 1 dueler. With the amount of money and influence at his disposal, it is possible for him to do this.

Of course, with the whole Malik Ishtar and the Egyptian God Cards thing present themselves as the greater threat to mankind at the climax of Battle City, Kaiba still sticks with his ego and makes even the  battles a thing between him and Yugi. Yugi defeats him in his own semi-final, but Kaiba still can’t fucking shake that kind of loss on his own. He needed the emotional push from his little brother Mokuba to finally realize that he will probably never achieve what he desired as long as Yugi is around. Only after Yugi defeats Malik Ishtar that Kaiba accepts defeat, but not before stating “Yugi, our battle is not over”, as he flies away from Yugi and his friends to go build a theme park for orphaned kids just like himself with his massive wealth.

Kaiba chooses to give up dueling altogether for a situation where he is unrivalled and remains the best, albeit in a nobler way. Throughout the tournament saga (or even the Duelist Kingdom saga), Kaiba offers virtually no help to Yugi and the protagonists to defeat the greater threat. It was only after the feeling of “fuck I have to do this” does he give the Obelisk the Tormentor card to Yugi to help him defeat Malik Ishtar. There was no sincerity in his help. His pride mattered more than the greater good, but he left dueling for a world where his pride could be intact.

A crucial difference between Kaiba and Vegeta is the fact that one started out as already having a sense of maturity. Vegeta was the prince of a critically extinct group of beings known as Saiyans, who were wiped out in a vicious genocide by Frieza the warlord who basically wanted to free up the space that Planet Vegeta was occupying in order to profit more from his war activities. Without his planet, or a king, Vegeta status as prince did not matter anymore, therefore all that was left of him was his unimaginable strength. There’s no doubt that this kid went through so much, it even makes Kaiba’s (hateful) father’s death seem small.

Vegeta’s pride had been shattered many times after being defeated by Goku. who was once viewed by him as a “low class” Saiyan. After each loss, Vegeta begrudgingly accepted the circumstances but refused to throw away the idea that he is the strongest being out there. It took three supervillains to make him realize that he would never reach Goku’s level and that he will always become number two, while in Kaiba’s case, no amount of supervillains could dent him.

Vegeta finally acknowledged this fact when Super Kid Buu was about to be annihilated by Goku’s Earth-sized spirit bomb and lived with that truth during the peacetime that followed. There was no need for Vegeta to create situations that would prove his dominance above all else (he didn’t have the means to do it anyway). Vegeta never sulked that deeply, and even if he did, it made him realize his flaws and made him determined to become a better fighter. And also, every time that the Z Fighters needed his help, he would give it, even if it was mostly for his benefit.

When the new Dragon Ball Super came out earlier this year, we saw a Vegeta that was incredibly more mature (and in a way stronger than ever before), which contrasted with Goku’s attitude, which has become more cocky and reckless. Vegeta is now Goku’s best friend, sparring partner and eternal number two, and he’s okay with that.

The two characters both showcase how loss is dealt. You can either do it gracefully or you can do it with a heavy heart. Bernie Sanders, unfortunately, is currently looking a bit like Kaiba more than Vegeta.

The US Presidential Election in 2016 has so far been an ugly, ugly affair. There were no standout candidates to begin with, but Bernie the 74 year old Vermont senator quickly asserted his place to the top of public opinion and the young generation with his socialist-minded policies and his open disdain for American capitalism.

His rivals however, prefer to embrace the unchangeable capitalist mindset and use it to their own advantage, which makes sense since one has a history of succumbing to the greed of Wall Street and another is a businessman that exacerbates the capitalist mentality further. Bernie Sanders is probably America’s best hope in constituting any amount of change.

But as it shows, it seemed that the country was not ready for such a mind.

His rival in the Democratic party, Hillary Clinton, has badly beaten him in state primaries and opinion polls in a way that recalls Muhammad Ali ‘s fight with Sonny Liston. On the Republican side, Donald Trump, a Frieza-like figure, has reigned victorious as the party’s candidate for the presidential election.

Clinton and Sanders’ situation is similar to what Goku and Vegeta always face. Hillary Clinton’s situation places her in Goku’s position. There rises a threat way greater to mankind, and the way to stop this threat is to team up (whether they like it or not) to stop this threat. It could be that simple.

However, in this case, Goku and Vegeta are fighting with each other while Frieza continues to destroy planets.

After being badly beaten by Clinton in a majority of states, Sanders remains determined to win even if his chances of doing so are very slim. What’s worse is that he and his campaign team (and supporters) have not stopped slandering Clinton’s name and reputation since Sanders began to slip in the delegate race. Many of Sanders’ supporters do not want Clinton to win, and what’s worse is that even people from as far away as Indonesia are beginning to fall for that slander.

But I’ll note that Bernie Sanders is the best candidate in that election, no doubt. Ideology-wise, he offers radical changes that chip away the culture of American capitalism. Clinton does not, and she merely exists as a powerful figure in politics with a lesser evil (and more rational) stance than Donald Trump. She might not be able to bring a change as radical as Sanders, but for a majority of the American people, that seems to be okay.

After all, if they didn’t want her, they wouldn’t vote for her.

Trump is probably the candidate that will emerge out of this race unscathed. Even if he did lose, he will leave a lasting impression on American politics and many would even call to reform the system. Also, the people who want to vote for him are pretty fixed on what they want, and it’s unlikely that they’ll go for another choice. His power upon his supporters is THAT strong. Of course, no subordinate dares to go against Lord Frieza. Even as Frieza massacres entire Namekian villages for their Dragon Balls, his team will just stand there and watch, becoming desensitized about it all. If the man wins, it hails a scenario where Frieza has achieved immortality through the Dragon Balls and rules as the most powerful force in the universe. A lot of people will be collateral damage.

Both Clinton and Sanders are able to stop this threat by teaming up together, but as the primary season draws to a close, Sanders is still stubbornly trying to turn the solid mathematical odds into his favor and continues to discredit his ally, whom could be the only hope (ugh) in defeating the Trump monster.

Sanders is becoming more like Seto Kaiba rather than Vegeta.

He is in danger of turning the Democratic National Convention into a situation where victory must be achieved at all costs. He is relying heavily on the results of the convention as the last way his efforts would pay off.

What he should do is cease talking shit about his rival and actually help her out, for the good of their party and to defeat the larger threat. He has the means, supporters and the norms to do so. But it seems he is refusing. All he needs to do is lose gracefully.

Then, he would be able to implement his ideas in another way. The presidency is not the end.

But the old man is confident. He has several Blue Eyes White Dragon cards (and a Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon) in his deck and believes that he is undefeatable. But the truth is, his rival has done so much better with her Dark Magician deck.

What will happen if he doesn’t win? Will he sulk and just go off the political radar altogether? Will his supporters go with him and avoid Hillary Clinton at all costs?

Or will he offer his hand gracefully to the people that possess the one chance of taking down the greater evil?

Sanders is too good to end up as Kaiba. His ideas towards reforming Wall Street and social and financial equality are among the best ideas that have emerged in modern American political thought. The beauty of those ideas lay within their simplicity and them being in touch with humanity. His human strength is enormous.

The United States needs him. Goku needs Vegeta (while Yugi does not need Kaiba) to defeat the greater good. The world needed Vegeta. So much so that heaven would allow him to fight on Earth for a short while to help tackle the threat of Majin Buu.

The world doesn’t need a politician that acts like Seto Kaiba. There’s already too much of those people everywhere, and they don’t have the right to use the Obelisk the Tormentor god card.

Bernie is the foil and the balance to Hillary’s weaknesses. He must be Vice President.

enjoy your Trump presidency, you dicks

So no surprise that Donald Trump has become the Republican nominee for the US presidency. That’s about as surprising as finding birds on a tree, fish in the sea or finding Toyota Alphards in Jakarta’s affluent neighborhoods.

You know, he also seems like the most likely winner for the US presidency too.

Why is that?

Well, lets look at the Democratic Party. It is basically fighting within each other. Bernie Sanders keeps on egging Hillary Clinton and keeps saying that she is not a fit leader. His followers, blind as they are, will happily toe in his line and denounce Clinton as well. And it’s working. Many young people are now denouncing Clinton, as seen in one example in a recent study by the University of Rochester, which saw that many young females are slowly “unfollowing” Clinton’s social media accounts. Since social media plays a fucking crucial part in rallying supporters and getting votes, especially from undecided voters, this is not a good sign.

Sanders has an appeal that is beneficial to the party and by far, he is the candidate with the best ideas and ideology. As much as i’d love to see him win, the fact is democracy is run by mathematics.

Mathematically, Hillary Clinton is the Democratic candidate, and is therefore the best hope of making a Trump presidency non-existent. If fickle youths and her party do not start to support her then Trump will definitely win. He has a rock solid voter base and has a charm that is able to sway voters who used to vote for his rivals.

Sanders can help the Democratic Party win. Not by staying in the race, but to sway voters in Clinton’s favor and the party’s favor too, as he has that kind of charm too. He needs to further emphasize the good more than the bad, and actually band the party in a unity.

In 2013, the Labor Party in Australia self destructed over selfish infighting, which lead to the election of the much-maligned, Trump-like human jellybean Tony Abbott as leader. And if you ask Australians about how Abbott’s leadership went, well.. just ask them.

Sure, many of Sanders’s supporters will feel betrayed by him, but then again they will also complain about Trump’s victory too. With college kids, politicians can never win. But it helps to harness their short attention spans just enough for change to be made.

Sure, Clinton is an evil political figure, but as is with Indonesia’s recent presidential election, the best choice is the “lesser of two evils”.

If things dont change, then enjoy your Trump presidency, you dicks.

holy sinking ship

All this stupid talk out of this conversation

Only makes it hurt more

On a quiet bed, it’s the springs that do the talking

And it’s us that become the silence


Sprawling  negativity in the site

Of your largest hearts

Welcomed with open arms

But devoid of all its charm


Tainted fiery lips

Ona plate of succession, a simmer of truth

Calling outside

A love for you


Did it ever happen?

Has it taken form?


Like cocaine and traumatized green eyes

Two miles long, crossing our eyes

And fingers

As we headed home


Maybe there is nowhere to go

But I don’t want to believe that yet

Because there’s no way this cant last

There’s nothing to free
It will return by itself

But to be reminded of the excess

The best light I’ve ever touched
The sweetest smile I’ve ever met





Demi Penguasa (For the Master)

Based on an extraordinary dream felt on 5/4/2016:

The protests escalated into a form of confused chaos that is very quintessentially Indonesian. A sea of men in white robes and white hats and jet black beards shaking the gates like lustful rabid beasts, aiming to please the ideas that they have made for themselves.

I exit the building, and walk towards the gates, coming face to face with the smell of their tired and pungent yelling underneath their breaths. They all want me out of my office, out of my job, because I am not devout. Because I cause problems for their masters. Because I talk too much and because i “challenge the divine”. Every reason is a foil for the violence that they desire.

The last stand comes. I walk over to the power generator where their microphones source their power and snip off the cable, making the cage rattle harder as the beasts roughly sway.

I command the guards to open the gates (of course they were hesitant), but I assured them that nothing will harm them, as the target is me alone.

Before the moment comes, within the loud anger of the rioters, I take the closest megaphone and speak what would become my last words:

DEMI PENGUASA (For the Master)


Terima kasih (Thank you)

Hari ini aku akan jatuh (today I will fall)

Berkat saudara2ku (with help from my brothers)

Bikinlah ibuku menangis (Make my mother cry)

Agar kau bisa merasa benar (so that you can feel right)

Lemparlah kepalan tanganmu (toss a fist)

Agar darahku bikin kau puas (so that my blood can make you smile)


Bikinlah anakku rindu (Make my children yearn)

Demi nama kepercayaan yang kau buat sendiri itu (for your take)

Dari sesuatu yang sebenarnya indah (on a belief that is supposed to be beautiful)


Apa yang sesungguhnya kau cari? (What are you really looking for?)

Jubah putih, peci putih (White robes, white hat)

Buku tulisan (notebooks)

Kitab yang di coret2 (A tome filled with scribbles)

Teriakan bau (The smelly yelling)

Mahkluk2 ganas (of rabid beasts)


Sepertinya kau mengerti (It seems you understand)

Kalau aku seharusnya tidak pantas di dunia ini (that I am not supposed to be on this lovely earth)

Denganmu (with you)


Demi tuhanmu yang tersenyum (For your lord who smiles)

Ketika musuhmu lumpuh (when your enemy is destroyed)

Demi tuhanmu yang membisikkan keinginan untuk kehancuran (for your lord that whispers destruction)

Ke kupingmu (into your ear)


Demi tuhan yang ingin kau  (for your lord who wants you)

Mati untuknya (to die for them)

Demi tuhan yang ingin kau hidup (for your lord that wants you to live)

Hanya untuk menyembahnya (only to praise them)

Demi peraturan yang kau ikuti dengan teladan (for the rules you make that you follow so well)

Yang sengaja membedakan manusia dengan manusia lain (that divides humans from other humans)


Kemarilah (come)

Dan buat tuhanmu bangga (and make your lord proud)

karena dia tidak akan bisa senang (because they could not be happy)

kalau kau tidak bangga (if you aren’t)
Inilah apa yang kau berikan (This is what you give).


I spread my arms. The guards open the gates. The earth shakes.

There will be no martyrs here.




Peace signs point towards closed doors
Fresh air comes
And the walls are gone

But I’m pretty sure I’m dying as I speak
It’s hard to keep it discreet
In this archipelago of souls

The fire in this hell
Feels lovely on this skin
Only ready to emerge
When the dam bleeds out melted sin

Devil’s advocate
and his trademark grin

Therefore, I can’t win

but this time maybe I want to lose.